I must admit this week had some definite ups and downs, particularly because I let the stress of exams and schoolwork get in the way of everything else. It's almost laughable looking back on it as I realize that feeling stressed in no way benefitted my completion of all the work and tests. If anything it hurt it and made the process less enjoyable. I remember standing in worship on Thursday night, singing the lyrics to a worship song that was basically about letting go and feeling God's joy and trusting Him, and I had to stop singing because I realized in the moment that it was not true. I was not trusting Him and I was not allowing his joy to fill me, but I was seeking satisfaction in good grades and complete assignments. And while in that moment, I was very resistant. I'd like to say that I said a quick prayer and felt immediate peace and confidence so that I didn't feel obligated to study anymore, but the prayer was really more of me telling God that I'll sing these words and mean them in about 14 hours...when the work week was over. I just felt trapped. I knew there was nothing I could do to clear my mind and focus on God, so I gave in.
I wish I'd remembered then that it didn't matter what I could do, but what God could do. God tells us not to worry but he also tells us to not be lazy; everyone has found a definition of balance between those two, but figuring out how to put it into practice is a whole other story.
One thing I am sure of though is that God is gracious. This week, I have the opportunity for a clean slate to maintain by trusting God. He has filled me with joy this weekend, and I am going to try to stay out of the way this week so that he can continue. Easier said than done...I know, but God is bigger than my weaknesses.
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