February 21-28: Sluggish

There's not much worse than feeling tired, like really tired, can't-do-anything kind of tired. This past week, I spent several days sick in that state of extreme tiredness. It stunk. But now, the days of sickness are behind me; I feel great! In fact, I feel even better than I did before getting sick! It's all a game of comparison--because of the change, I recognize how much greater I feel. I suppose that this is a good example of taking something for granted. I wonder how much else I've taken for granted. Take it back even to the big stuff, like God's love and grace. Immediately after accepting salvation, it's amazing. I noticed new freedom and light in every day, but it gradually fades. And though I absolutely never hope that my faith is stripped away or lost, I consider how much more I might appreciate it after understanding what it is like not having it. Just considering that makes me more grateful. God is good, REALLY good; that's not something to be taken for granted.

February 17-20: Step Back and See Now

I was going to share this yesterday, but I think it's even more appropriate after today. This is the week of group projects. I have a love-hate relationship with group projects, as do most people. I'm generally the one getting stuck with the brunt of the work, pulling things together last minute, motivating other team members to get their jobs done. Over the weekend, I found myself getting caught up in the details: figuring out times to meet, mentally preparing for the busy week, inspecting each detail and responsibility. My thoughts could quickly take me away from where I was, whether riding in the car, attending a dance marathon fundraiser, walking, even worshipping. Then I remembered the lesson from Thursday night at CCF. Rick talked about Moses and the Red Sea, how when we get to a roadblock or a challenge, it is easy to get caught up in looking at the challenge, fearing it and its uncertainties. And when we stand right there, looking at it, it is all that we can see, but if we take a step back and look at the big picture, it becomes more manageable and less important. Lesson #1: Step back and look at the big picture.

But wait! There's more: sometimes I take an enormous step back and look at the panorama, into the past and the future, and quickly my field of vision of the present becomes blurry; the quality of the picture degrades, when in reality, it is the only part that is actually occurring. I've found that discontentment comes from looking behind or far ahead and missing the now. And while preparing and reflecting are important, nothing can happen except in the present. So, Lesson #2: Stick to the Now

And today, I attempted to put these into practice. I stepped back from the ominous group projects, and saw them from the bigger perspective of my education as a whole; these are just minor stepping stones to developing the knowledge and skills I need in the future. But I didn't look too high up the staircase (that can make your neck hurt). So I surveyed the area of where I was standing and saw opportunity to share encouragement; I shared some inspirational cookie/cake bars with my floormates this morning, much to everyone's surprise. From what I heard, it made some people's day better--it certainly made my day better! And I took time today to take pictures of beautiful flowers and enjoy the lovely weather. And that's just what today was made for. Who knows what tomorrow holds?

February 15-16: SHARE the Light

Tonight, after a long day of non-stop activities, I discovered that someone had stollen several accessories off of my bike, including my front headlight and purse/pouch attachment. Yeah, it was a little frustrating; they seem like such dumb things to steal--probably not worth much--but then I thought about the light. Were they thinking that they could be putting the person who owned the bike in danger by taking the light? Did they have a use for the light? Then I think I had some spiritual guidance as I related it to the Light. Was this possibly a way to show someone the Light? At this point, my reaction is about the only way to show God's love, and it took me a little bit to realize this. Before that point, I was in kind of a bad mood. Then it occurred to me:

I'd let them steal my Light. Sure, there was nothing I could do about them stealing my light, but the Light--that was under my control, and I'd let them take it too.

We're called to share the Light, not leave it unguarded and allow others to steal it because then they don't realize what it is worth. Last night, at a race and culture discussion group, we talked about the difference between appropriation and appreciation, and the general consensus was that appropriation takes something--losing its value--while appreciation thanks something--maintains or increases its value. The same goes with sharing/being the Light; in order to guide others to appreciate it, I must value it first, otherwise it becomes some stolen bike headlight, probably sitting turned off in someone's room.

February 14: Love *surprise!*

The speaker tonight at CCF reminded me of what love really is. Love is not a feeling or an adjective or a noun; it is a verb. That's cliche, I know, but the way he presented it tonight really clicked. You can love without "feeling it." Being nice and loving are not the same thing. That being said, there's a boundary; you can't be mean to someone and consider that love, but sometimes, love is hard. It might not be what you want to do or what makes you feel good. He encouraged us to approach relationships with an attitude of "what can I give?" rather than "what can I receive?" Specifically, in terms of marriage, approaching your potential spouse as "how can I give to him/her for the rest of my life?" It has refreshed my perspective of love. It is so much more than a heart in a text message or an act of kindness; it's a way of life.

February 13: Is that...the moon?

Tonight I walked outside to go get my laundry, and I saw this bright light in the middle of the horizon (which is filled with skyscrapers, construction cranes, and other downtown Atlanta buildings). At first, I was stunned by this big shining light. It was huge! Then it occurred to me, there's a building with glass windows, reflecting the moon!

I glanced behind me, over my shoulder. No moon. Wait... is that the actual moon then? I stood there in disbelief. It just didn't seem to fit in there. One of my friends was also in the courtyard staring at this ball of light. She said the same thing had happened to her--utter disbelief. We stood there for a minute, silent. Such a beauty of nature, so low in the horizon that it should be covered by buildings, but it wasn't. It was perfectly placed, shining through the night.

It makes me wonder how many times I've overlooked or disbelieved God's perfect, shining presence in my life because he wasn't where I expected him to be. Like a huge, shining moon in the darkness, in plain sight, yet easy to miss because of its unexpected presence. Hmmm.

February 8-12

I must admit this week had some definite ups and downs, particularly because I let the stress of exams and schoolwork get in the way of everything else. It's almost laughable looking back on it as I realize that feeling stressed in no way benefitted my completion of all the work and tests. If anything it hurt it and made the process less enjoyable. I remember standing in worship on Thursday night, singing the lyrics to a worship song that was basically about letting go and feeling God's joy and trusting Him, and I had to stop singing because I realized in the moment that it was not true. I was not trusting Him and I was not allowing his joy to fill me, but I was seeking satisfaction in good grades and complete assignments. And while in that moment, I was very resistant. I'd like to say that I said a quick prayer and felt immediate peace and confidence so that I didn't feel obligated to study anymore, but the prayer was really more of me telling God that I'll sing these words and mean them in about 14 hours...when the work week was over. I just felt trapped. I knew there was nothing I could do to clear my mind and focus on God, so I gave in.

I wish I'd remembered then that it didn't matter what I could do, but what God could do. God tells us not to worry but he also tells us to not be lazy; everyone has found a definition of balance between those two, but figuring out how to put it into practice is a whole other story.

One thing I am sure of though is that God is gracious. This week, I have the opportunity for a clean slate to maintain by trusting God. He has filled me with joy this weekend, and I am going to try to stay out of the way this week so that he can continue. Easier said than done...I know, but God is bigger than my weaknesses.

February 6-7: Sunrise

A few weeks ago, I spent the night at a retreat center with CCF. I woke up early the following morning and went for a walk to watch the sunrise. To my disappointment, there was no sun to be seen, just a gray sky that got lighter and lighter.

Yesterday morning, I woke up, and it was dark. Yes! I haven't missed the sunrise! So I got out of bed, got dressed and began to walk to the recreation center. I got outside and my first thought was, "darn. It's cloudy--just gonna be a gray sky like that other time." I got on the spin machine in the gym and a few minutes into working out, I turned to look right, out the window, when I saw the BEAUTIFUL vibrant red sunrise. The entire sky was different shades of red, orange, and pink. I glanced away, and within a minute, the sky was gray. That was it. I had my few seconds to catch my glimpse. After that it was only memory and appreciation for the beauty.

This morning, cloudy again, but the light was reflecting off the little clouds, making them look like light pink cotton candy. Beautiful! I love sunrises, and both these mornings, God has used them as a reminder of his presence and the way he shines through all conditions, whether cloudy or clear.

February 3-5: Zoom Out

God has a perfect plan. He assured me of that this weekend. I don't know whether to believe that everything happens for a reason or if God makes a reason for everything that happens, but it's clear to me that it must be one of those.

Specifically:

• Over less than two years, I went from starting a conversation with a random girl at church to befriending her and her twin sisters to getting them involved at church to walking beside her in difficult family circumstances to leading her through confirmation and to her acceptance of Christ to walking with her through a fight with cancer to now this weekend, spending time with her sister and leading her to personal salvation through Christ. I remember I almost left that Sunday night, two years ago, without speaking to her...starting that conversation was one of the best decisions of my life. 
• Last night, I bowed my head and closed my eyes in prayer for the formation of friendships and the opening up of cliques in the youth group. Immediately, God reaffirmed his faithfulness; I looked up and saw that the mass of kids worshipping had wrapped their arms around each other, forming a bonded circle. 

Those are the highlights. I'm sure I'm blind to many more of the ways in which God is working right now, but I am grateful in advance. 

February 2: Consistent, Reliable

Consistency is one of those things that increases someone's trustworthiness by an extreme amount. The theme of the day today seemed to be how some things don't change over time--the moon, for instance, is the same moon as thousands of years ago, and the God I know is also the same God that Moses and Abraham knew. And he is STILL faithful. He is still present and still working. He is reliable because he has always been there and will always be there--no doubt in my mind.

February 1st: God is BIG

It's pretty incredible what a single person can do. Think about the amazing inventors, leaders, scientists, doctors, construction workers, parents, teachers, and more who are doing incredible things constantly. There've been some amazing human-made creations. And here I am--not quite to "incredible" yet, but on the verge--I have potential, human potential, building up with every book I read, thing I do, person I meet.

And then I look around. I see huge fluffy clouds and bright blue sky. I see squirrels running, birds flying. I see people talking, souls connecting. I see peace. I see joy. I see love. And I realize that God is BIG. And my potential through him is BIG, and ready now. Through God, I can do and be multitudes more than if I were just a person.

Yep. That about sums it up. God is awesome. And because of Him (and only because of Him), I can be awesome too.

January 30-31

Thank you, God, that we are not all alone. Thank you for every person in my life, for every difference between us and for the unity that we have through you. Amen.